Don’t sweat the small (or big, or thick, or whatever) stuff!
There a lot of things I don’t understand about men. But maybe the thing I don’t understand the most is why they care so much about how big (or small or medium or whatever) their penis is. I just don’t get it! The thing is hidden behind pants most hours of the day. And truly, there are so many things that matter more.
- What he smells like. Does he smell like a dog that just ran into a dirty pond, or does he smell like his personal brand of deodorant with a touch of I was just playing outside doing boy things?
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- How good he is at maintaining eye contact. Because I’m looking at your eyes, not your crotch-al region, when we’re having intimate conversations.
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- How well his pants fit. Not because I’m trying to get a glimpse at the goods, but because I want to know that you can shop for yourself like an adult.
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- What sort of music he likes. Seriously crucial if we’re going to get along. Not crucial to how well we get along? The size of your thing.
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- His opinions on political issues. Are you #WithHer or do you want to Make America Great Again? Penises can’t vote (I think).
- How nice he is to my friends. I want to make sure my friends like who I like, or else it’ll never work out. And probably my friends will never see the family jewels, so they don’t have much of a say in the matter.
- How well he listens to me. Penises do not have ears. And even if they did, I don’t think they’d be very compassionate (they have a one-track mind).
- What side of the bed he sleeps on. I guess your penis will sleep on whatever side of the bed you sleep on, but I’m pretty sure you’re the one calling the shots.
- How good he is at communicating. Want to make sure he texts back regularly and is easy to get in touch with. Can’t text with a penis (dick pics don’t count).
- How good of a kisser he is. Mouths are just so much more interesting than a penis, which really can only do so much anyway.
- His willingness to learn more about feminism and gender equality. The penis is welcome to come along for the ride on this one but a #woke penis is one that realizes size doesn’t matter. Crucial.
- How good he is at making me orgasm. You’d think this would have a lot to do with penis size, but that’s where you’re wrong, buck-o. It really does not. It really does not.
-by HANNAH SMOTHERS