Expert: What do we really want to say when we have sex?
Why do women often misunderstood and why are fewer men lusting for sex? And what really helps? Sex psychologist and couple therapist Christoph J. Ahlers explains how sex communication works.
BRIGITTE: Mr. Ahlers, if sex is a kind of language, what do we want to say to it?
Sex can give us the intense feeling that we are fine the way we are. More than a conversation, because touches reach us more directly than words. We want to feel that the other takes us in or wants to penetrate us. Where the orgasm is just the frosting on the cake, it’s essentially about intimacy. It’s about closeness to feel accepted and confirmed.
Sex – especially in the sense of pleasure – has gained enormous importance in our society. , ,
In fact, it is suggested to us: You have sex, and who does not have, is funny. A figment of the meritocracy. People become funny, irritable or grumpy when they do not feel accepted and belonging, unintentionally, unthemes. Not because of allegedly swollen testicles or unfulfilled Orgasmussehnsüchte. A bitter and harried-looking woman does not even have to be “properly fucked”, as the saying goes, but she probably lacks the feeling of acceptance.
A man who has not had sex for a long time is not automatically more relaxed when he goes into the puff. Because it’s not just about processes on a biological level. Above all, it is about experiencing the feeling of being wanted. If we understood how important closeness and reserve are to us, our understanding of sexuality might not be so much reduced to pleasure.
What does that mean for the relationships we lead?
That we often misunderstand each other. If the man complains of a “seed jam” or “big eggs”, then he himself does not realize what he really wants, namely recognition. It turns out for him by his wife sleeping with him, but he does not know that. The woman, in turn, does not know that her husband actually wants to hug her, she feels herself “abused” because he does not see that she is tired and tattered. So one understands oneself wrong and drifts apart. There are men who think their wife is frustrated because they have erectile dysfunction. But this is actually disappointed, because he only grunts at her and does nothing with her anymore. So you live past each other.
In your new book you describe your impression that more and more men have less and less desire to have sex with their wives. Why is that?
I think that the increased pressure to perform is the cause, which also affects our sexuality, because he has long spread to our private being. Today, every mom must be sexy and every old one a best-agers. For pubescent girls, there are hardly any bras that are not padded. What does a teenager learn from this? It has to be more, what is there is not enough. This creates a fear market.
In the old days, a man was allowed to be dressed in thick, hairy or unfashionable clothing, which did not detract from his masculinity. Today there is a social claim: Who is not styled as a man, is unkempt. Women have known this requirement for thousands of years, and for men this is relatively new. To make matters worse: From an excessive external requirement has become for many now a dogged self-demand. Either way, if I feel I’m not enough, I’ll respond with avoidance.
But then there are sexual dysfunctions. Two lie there, like each other, want it, but his penis does not get stiff. For all love, so to speak.
Then presumably there is pressure to perform: something should or must necessarily work. And that does not dissolve, because no one speaks. There is talk, but nothing is said. You talk together about the outside: about the work, the children, the holidays, the parents, the weekly planning, but one does not talk (more?) To each other. About your own sexual fears and fears, longings and needs. That’s why the partners lose sight of each other, then out of their hands and finally out of their minds. And if, in fact, even malfunctions occur, the communication is even more lacking.