These 6 questions are most often asked by sexologists
– Admit it: You’ve already asked yourself some of these questions.
People talk to therapists about things they would never tell their family.
Sex therapists have told HuffPost which questions they hear most frequently.
As you would expect, the professionals are used to answering questions from their patients about their bodies, their relationships and their fantasies.
But: which questions do you hear most often? Sex therapists have told HuffPost which topics are repeatedly raised:
Am I normal?
People always want to know if what they do, feel or dream in and out of the bedroom is “normal” – be it their level of desire or the shape and size of their genitals.
► Sex therapist Shannon Chavez says trying to adapt to so-called sexual norms causes many patients grief.
“Most people are relieved to learn that they are not the only ones who have to deal with a particular sexual concern or that others have the same concerns and hope,” she says.
“I’ve seen people jump up and down when they realize that there is nothing wrong with them and that they, like everyone else, can enjoy sex.”
Can I learn to get an orgasm?
Sexther Vanessa Marin hears a question from women more often than any other: How the hell do I get an orgasm? She has even created an online course, aptly called “Finishing School,” to teach women how to do just that.
“If you have not had your first orgasm, it’s important to know that having an orgasm is a skill,” she says. “Like any other skill, it takes time, patience and practice to learn it. But fortunately an orgasm is one of the nicest things to learn. “
► Certain physical factors, such as gynecological problems or mental traumas, depression and anxiety disorders, can make it harder for some women to achieve orgasm .
But certain techniques, sex toys or exploring the fantasies can help to reach the climax.
How can I bring my partner to orgasm?
Sex is not about having both partners orgasm, even though that’s a nice bonus.
But many people – especially women – can not get an orgasm of pure penetration during sex. Some people need a lot of dirty talk and a long foreplay. Others need more clitoral stimulation. And there are also those who need a clear mind, so relaxation or enough sleep to come to a climax.
The point is, there is no sure way to bring a person to orgasm. Each partner has to find out what is the most effective way for him and then communicate it to the partner.
► As a sex therapist, Stephen Snyder reminds his patients that each person is responsible for their own orgasm.
“An orgasm is not something you get from someone,” says Snyder, author of ” Love Worth Making: How To Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Term Relationship . ” “It’s something you give yourself – even if your partner may supply you with the right conditions.
He adds: “We sex therapists have been saying this for years to anyone who wants to listen. Unfortunately, the message has not reached many listeners yet. “
Is my penis too small?
Size is not as important as some men think. However, this does not prevent male patients from coming to Chavez’s practice and seeking confirmation that the size of their limb is at least average.
► She believes that the exceptionally large penises seen in porn have given men a distorted image of what a real penis looks like.
“Many are worried about what is average and whether a certain size is more likely to be accepted by one partner and better suited to giving pleasure to another,” she says. “I believe that pornography sets unrealistic standards in terms of penis size – which causes many worries in many men.”
My (spouse) partner does not want sex anymore. What is wrong?
In a long-term relationship, it is normal for sexual desire to fluctuate. But if your sex life does not exist and your husband or wife feels more like a roommate than a romantic partner, it’s probably time to find the root of the problem.
Snyder often gets this complaint from worried, sex-abused spouses in his office.
“There are countless reasons – from a low testosterone level to depression,” says Snyder. “But there is one thing in common, especially among men: they tend to be terribly afraid of disappointing their partners. Once they realize disappointment, they often retire emotionally and sexually to preserve their pride. “
► In women, stress and fatigue are often in the way of their desire – but also the feeling of boredom in the bedroom or the lack of connection in the relationship in general.
“Sometimes it helps women to be emotionally connected so they feel agitated before sex. And surprise: Men are, too, “says sex therapist Tammy Nelson . “Try to share three things that you appreciate about your relationship. Repeat what you said to make sure you got it right before you get to the next point. “
Can we really recover from infidelity?
Getting a relationship back on track after an affair is not easy. Repairing the trust and hurt feelings takes time and considerable effort from both partners.
When couples sit in the office of sex therapist Sari Cooper , they often ask themselves: can we really leave that behind?
“When a couple comes to therapy, it’s often a crisis – one partner has found out that the other has an affair. Anger, pain, shame, guilt are on the shoulders, the couple is worried the relationship will implode, “says Cooper, director of the Center for Love and Sex NYC .
“Our job is to stabilize the couple so much that the cross-border partner can open up and talk honestly about intentions. Then we find out how remorse can be expressed, gradually building trust and taking the time to really hear the pain it has caused the partner. “
► Cooper also works with the couples to find out what has ever led to infidelity – but in a way that does not accuse or convict any of the partners.
“Often the couples no longer have sex and debate about it, others have lost their emotional connection bit by bit, having had children or working too much – or someone has experienced a minor trauma that has led them to distance themselves from the partner,” she says.
The text originally appeared on HuffPost US