Everything You Need to Know About Being Kinky

“Are you kinky?” he asked as he leaned in for a kiss.

“What? Um… no, I don’t think so. Am I?”

The word kinky is not exactly a clear term to define. It is a word that means different things depending on the context but maybe we can come up with a basic definition and go from there.

Kinky – engaging in sexual practices that go outside the normative sex practices of the society in which you live.

So examining that definition you can probably see why the term is hard to pin down what is kinky and what isn’t. Because of the relation with defining normative sex practices and the varying societies we live in, kinky can have different definitions even in the same neighborhood let alone the city in which you live, state, or country. There’s also something missing from this definition which comes into consideration any time we talk about something pertaining to a person’s preferences. The person carries their own impressions as to what is kinky based on how they have been raised but also what they have learned. It’s just as individual as the person themselves.

As you can see, everything you need to know about being kinky is a whole lot of variables actually.

Ultimately, and I mean this, only your personal definitions really matter. When you are looking for a partner then you also need to consider their understanding of what is kinky and if they are willing to explore the same things you are.

Initially, you may think that a lot of things are considered kinky and perhaps you would be right. Out of the following, are any of these things kinky to you?

  • Oral sex
  • Anal sex
  • Blindfolds
  • Fuzzy cuffs
  • Being called names
  • Talking dirty
  • Woman on top sex
  • Sex in the kitchen
  • Playing with sex toys
  • Watching porn

In some areas, yes these all could be considered kinky but in others, very few of them could. Where do you fit in?

There’s nothing wrong with liking a little variation in your sex life. Being held down or blindfolded can really get your motor going. It’s also not a competition to see how kink you are compared to someone else. Embrace your brand of kinky.

It’s okay to be kinky. Sexual preferences and the adventurous nature we have helps us explore new and exciting sexual experiences. We should never shy away from wanting to try something that might not be mainstream sex play. Being kinky isn’t a bad thing, it’s not stigmatized as it used to be. In some circles, it is bantered about proudly.

As you can tell, this isn’t really everything about being kinky, but it should help you figure out what is according to your own personal definition.  What is being kinky to you?

Don't I Know You From Somewhere? – Encountering People You Know at a Munch

Some of the first advice that I give to someone wanting to get off the computer and into the local community is to attend a munch. But at the same time, I know that attending a munch is a scary proposition. You will be meeting people you don’t know that are into kinky things, and even things that you are adventuring into. You might be asked questions about your interests that you don’t have answers yet.

You might be recognized.

That’s right, there just might be someone there that you know from your life at these things. And that puts lead in so many boots. They freeze at the door, they don’t even get out of their car or they stay behind the computer screen where anonymity reigns. It doesn’t have to be that way if you know how you want to handle that before you step out the door.

1. Go to munches in a different town.

A lot of people that are higher profile in their hometown choose to go out of town for their BDSM events. Luna wasn’t my real name until I married KnyghtMare (and no that’s not his real name either). This way no one can recognize you by your name, you can custom fit a name to the person you want to be in the scene or your personality and your new name affords you some anonymity also.

3. Give a general location for where you are from.

You don’t have to say what neighborhood you hail from at all. Just give the town or even the next largest town over. No one is going to question it. People at a munch are okay with privacy issues especially pertaining to name and location. I doubt they will even bat an eyelash if you say you’d prefer not to share where you are from.

4. Have a response prepared for if you do encounter someone who recognizes you.

It is possible that even though you followed all the steps above you still see someone that recognizes you. After all, they probably followed these steps too. What you will have to realize is that they probably don’t want to be recognized either or they wouldn’t be there anonymously. So, if they do not approach you, try to just nod in recognition and move on. If they do want to talk to you – it might be just to say, “Hey I’m so thrilled to know that a “friend/colleague/neighbor/acquaintance” is kinky too!”

Think about this. If they out you, they out themselves too. I highly doubt that they will spread the news to everyone you both know that they saw you at a kink club because they would have to explain why they were there too. If you are afraid they might do that anyway, you can ask them to keep your attendance a secret.

BDSM How To: Wax Play

I love wax play. It’s so much fun and something that is simple to do and also not extremely expensive, which is awesome because we all know how expensive toys can be. So, it’s always great to find a fun activity that isn’t expensive. Not only that, but the more colorful candles you use, it can be quite a beautiful picture. If you’re on Fetlife, I’m sure you’ve seen a picture or two of _ashaya_’s beautifully waxed ass on Kinky and Popular. Also, if you’re always on the look for some good SexTalk About by Penguin Pete, this is what he has to say about the different types of candles:

  • Scented candles are paraffin wax mixed with oil and burn at 120 degrees F and these are the typical candles you find in retail stores.
  • Pure paraffin candles burn at 135 degrees F and are mostly white, unscented candles.
  • Beeswax candles burn at 145 degrees F and are intended to burn brightly for a long period of time. Beeswax candles mixed with stearin can burn up to 170 degrees F and higher.
  • Soy candles burn between 135-145 degrees F and are the best candles to use for wax play because they cool quickly upon contact, are easier to clean up than paraffin wax, and is less likely to cause skin irritation.

Something else to keep in mind when choosing your candles to use are allergies and skin conditions that the person may have as well as any medications the person may be on. There are some people who probably shouldn’t participate in wax play because of these medical issues. It’s extremely important to make sure you know what ingredients are in the candles you are using.

Also the other thing to keep in mind is the height that which the wax is being dripped from. The greater the distance between the candle and the place where you’re intending for the wax to hit, the cooler the wax will be and the closer the candle is to the spot, the hotter the wax will be. Different parts of the body can handle a higher temperature than others, such as breasts and the genital areas. You don’t want to be using a candle that burns at 145+ degrees F and dripping that extremely hot wax on your partner’s genitals at close range. That is not sexy at all. Also stay away from dripping wax above the shoulders, such as directly on the face. You can’t exactly control wax and there’s no way to be 100% sure that wax won’t drip into the person’s eyes, nose or mouth and that can lead to some serious issues that neither one of you want to be involved in. Like every type of play that we participate in, there are risks and it’s really super important to know what those risks are.

There are a lot of shops on Etsy that are kink friendly and sell candles that are perfect for wax play in a wide variety of colors and sizes. Here’s a link to a general search I did on Etsy which provides several vendors and price ranges. 

Also, here are a few more links about wax play if you’re interested in learning more.


But My Partner is Vanilla…: Three Options Available To You When Your Partner Isn't Kinky

So you’ve discovered kink and want to try some things out. You talk to your partner about it.  Unfortunately, no matter how you suggest things to your partner they aren’t interested. They are really vanilla. It may be obvious that I’m not talking about the ice cream flavor here, but if you are really a novice, what I mean by vanilla is non-kinky. People are all different and this includes if they like kinky things or not.

Give them the book, When Someone You Love Is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, it will help with communication and see where your partner stands with kink.

First, you have to realize that if there is no glimmer of interest from your partner (even an occasional one) that trying to make them be kinky won’t work. You can’t change someone. No matter how much you love someone you may have to face that they can’t be kinky with you.

With that knowledge, you have only a few options.

Seek an Open Relationship

If your partner understands your new desires and is okay with this option you can seek a kinky partner to get some of your needs met. Solid communication is necessary for this to work at all. You both need to sit down and lay out the ground rules for your exploration of kink outside your relationship. Not all relationship will work as well as ours does (and we have hang ups too) so don’t assume that an open relationship is perfect for you. Talk it out. A lot. Once the limits are in place, stick to them. Your primary relationship is most important, breaking limits can and does jeopardize that.

Online Relationships

After talking with your partner about their acceptance to use the internet to get some relief in a cyber D/s relationship and self-play you can explore a lot of basic things via the internet. While this isn’t a perfect solution, some primary relationships are difficult to open for a number of reasons. If your partner doesn’t consider an online relationship as cheating then this is a safe outlet that allows you to still remain in a stable single partner relationship.

There are many things you can do online with someone and through direction. If you are considering this method, take a look at the free eBook I have on the subject called Making Online Submission Work For You.

End the Relationship

Unfortunately, sometimes the desire to explore BDSM or D/s in your life now that you’ve opened your mind to it. I did the very same things and my ex and I agreed amicably that we were no longer compatible enough to stay together. It’s sad, but people do change and sometimes those changes are just too hard to accommodate in an existing relationship.

What about Covert Relationships?

My personal stand is to never condone cheating to experience

The Curse of Masochism

This is a guest post by kaya of Under His Hand.

I tend to think of my particular brand of masochism like a chronic illness. Like, say, the diabeetus.

(Some) people who have diabetes have to stab themselves with needles regularly. They have to take shots and watch their diet, and they do these things, not because they particularly enjoy being poked or like denying themselves a big ol slice of cake- but they do them so they can live a happy, healthy, productive life.

(Disclaimer: I’m not really saying that masochism is the same as having a life-altering illness. That was just a little hyperbole thrown in there for funsies.)

Just like me trying live a live a happy, healthy, productive life as a masochist! I very very often HATE that I’m a masochist. It’s an affliction. Pain hurts, yo. Like every other “normal” person in the world, I learned not to touch the stove because burns hurt. I don’t like pain. I’m pretty likely to try and kick you if you hurt me and if I don’t? If you got away with hurting me? You don’t even realize the level of self-control. Srsly. I probably just didn’t want to embarrass you by kicking your ass. The Curse of Masochism

I’ve tried many times to ignore masochism, to tamp it down, put it out, even tried to psycho-therapy it away. But it’s here to stay and my past times without feeding it were gray and muffled and heavy. With it, with my acceptance of what it is and what I need, my world is bright and airy and easy and fun.

What gets my juices flowing, in terms of being turned on by being a masochist, is humiliation and degradation and force. NOT pain. Pain pisses me off. I get so SO tired of people thinking I should climax on their lap because they pinched me- Ain’t gonna happen, dude. My fetish is control and power. And not just with anybody and everybody, either. What? Do you take me for some kind of whore?

There is power in pain, in hurting someone. It’s a way to express power, but it is my least favorite way. That I ended up partnered with (drawn to, in love with, bonded to and owned by) a sadist is ~cough~unfortunate~cough for me.

He wasn’t, when we first met, you know. A sadist, I mean. Not like he is now. He was much more into the control and sexual domination, objectification- not so much into just hurting me. That came out later when it was already too late for me to run, lol.

Fortunately (for me), he’s very, very, VERY big on degradation and humiliation so there is SOME payoff for me, lol. And now that I am partnered with (drawn to, in love with, bonded to and owned by) HIM, when HE hurts me, well… yeah.. there’s all manner of smoking hot power in it.

When he pins me down and hurts me, physically, it’s a very intimate exchange of energy…a feeling of sinking into a lesser place internally. Like coming home. It’s familiar and warm and fuzzy and right. It’s something that I only feel with him because of him and for him. It’s very, very personal. And even then, I’m still sometimes fantasizing about kicking him, and sometimes I even hate him a little bit for it. It’s just how I deal.

People want to lump all of us masochists together, but we’re as varied as all of you sadists and tops and dominants. You all don’t like the same things, you don’t all express yourself the same, and some of your expressions vary depending on the people you are with. We’re not so different. Our flavors of masochism are as different — and delicious — as your flavors.

You are going to have your eager-beaver masochists who are the first to volunteer for a healthy beating and who laugh and hop around with excitement. Me, I’m more likely to be trying to disappear somewhere. Do not want.

I am a reluctant masochist. I’m a delayed masochist. My fear and avoidance of physical pain are very real and very legitimate and it does not make me a poser or a whiner or a wannabe. It makes me, me, quite frankly, and fuck off if you don’t like ME.

I probably don’t like you, either. So there.

So if you’re one of those people walking around whacking someone because they identify as a masochist- Stop it. Just stop it.

My name is kaya. I’ve been a consensual