I used to struggle with my sexual orientation. Well, that’s not entirely true. I used to never think about my sexual orientation. I was always attracted to cis males (a male assigned male at birth) and never once felt an attraction to anybody but that.
Until I did.
It is quite a shocking experience to question your sexual orientation for the first time when in your thirties. I spent quite a bit of time soul searching, questioning how I could have missed out on some shred of a clue that this was an option, and wondering what it meant for my (ethically non-monogomous) marriage. None of the labels I read about seemed to fit. Not heterosexual any longer, not bisexual, bicurious, “heteroflixible.” Because it wasn’t about men or women or their sexual organs. It was about this one person that I was all of a sudden attracted to. Something about this individual would turn me on and it had nothing to do with what was between her legs. Finally, I came across “pansexual” and I knew with certainty it was how I felt.
Pansexuality means that one is not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity. I am turned on by a specific individual.
So what is it like, for me, to be pansexual?
I am turned on by how soft skin feels under my hands.
I am turned on by feeling arms flex when a partner holds me tighter.
I am turned on by a gentle touch after a play session.
I am turned on by them being only them.
I am turned on by how much a woman may smell like me;
I am turned on by how different a person may smell.
I am turned on by the sound of the garage door opening when that person I care about arrives home.
By tasting a meal a caring person has prepared for me.
When I laugh at his or her jokes.
When I run off to Google something that I didn’t know I needed to know until I knew my partner enjoyed it.
When I pick up quirky gifts in a quirky store on a rainy day and smile, excited to share it with a person and see them in turn smile.
They make me feel like the most beautiful woman who ever lived.
I want to make them proud, I want to make them blush, I want to hear them crackle through the phone from thousands of miles away, I want to hear my phone “bing” with a waiting text.
I want to make that person moan. I want to nibble at their throat and feel the vibration of pleasure under my lips. I want to kiss that same spot later while entangled in a mess of wet and limbs.
I want to make that person come.
I want to feel that exact moment a person’s breath switches from awake to asleep and lie there and listen to them at peace.
What doesn’t matter is whatever lies between that persons legs. That’s secondary; an afterthought. Whatever is there I want to learn to please it because it is a part of a whole person that I care.
I am pansexual. I love people. And my lust is unrestricted.
How do you identify? Do you see how pansexuality is different and unique?