It may seem obvious—have sex, and then feel great, right? But that’s not always the case. “Not that this is a big revelation or anything but, unlike guys, we need to be in the mood to have sex!” says Dr. Alyssa Dweck, co-author of V is for Vagina. “If we’re stressed, pissed off, feeling unattractive, thinking about the laundry, the kids, work, money woes, or anything else life brings our way, chances are, no matter how hard our partner tries, we’re going to be as likely to have an orgasm as Lady Gaga joining a nunnery.”
With so many obstacles in our way, can we ever achieve that all-encompassing ‘screaming O’ we see in the movies? Experts say it is possible. There are different kinds of orgasms (some go deeper than others) and even if you’re regularly having an orgasm during sex, you could be having a better one. Here’s how:
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that foreplay equals orgasms. But just extending and intensifying that foreplay can make those orgasms that much more intense. “Wait to climax until the last possible moment when you just can’t hold off,” Dr. Dweck advises.
Building anticipation is also key. “When your mind is aroused, it’s often easier for your body to follow suit,” says Patty Brisben, founder of erotic products company Pure Romance. She suggests trying a remote controlled ‘bullet,’ such as the Hanky Panky. “Stick the bullet in your underwear and give your partner the remote; dinner has never been so much fun!”
Besides ‘toys‘ that’ll intensify pleasure, tools like lubrication can help too. “For some reason, women tend to be scared of using lube,” says board-certified sexologist Shanna Katz. “Natural lubrication is not an indicator of how aroused you are, and lots of things can lower lubrication, like hormonal birth control, antihistamines, and stress.”
Rather than just grin and bear it, grab a bottle of glycerin-free, water-based lube or super-slick silicone lube and let things get wet and wild! “There tends to be a misconception among people in in their 20’s and 30’s that lubricant is only necessary when there’s a problem that needs fixing, such as vaginal dryness that often comes with aging,” Brisben says. “However that’s just not true—lubricant is for everyone, at any age! In fact, 65 percent of women indicated that using lubricants took sex from just good to mind blowing.”
Before you let your mind go there (no, we’re not talking about increasing the size of his, um, unit), this tip is all about boosting the muscle group that you don’t tackle at the gym. Surely you’ve heard of Kegels, the process of strengthening muscles in the pelvic floor.
“Doing Kegel exercises regularly will result in stronger contractions during orgasm,” explains Lynn Wolfbrandt, product specialist at vibrators.com/” target=”_blank”>Vibrators.com. To perform a Kegel, contract the muscle that controls urine flow, exhaling as you contract, and inhaling as you release. Do this in repetitions of 10, three times a day.
“You can do these exercises anytime, anywhere, and no one will know,” Wolfbrandt says. To make Kegels even more challenging, she suggests trying Lelo Luna Balls, made famous by the book 50 Shades of Grey. Or try practicing with a tool like the Magic Banana.
Temperature is often overlooked as an important variable in achieving the strongest orgasms, and we’re not just talking about the heat between the sheets!
“A Dutch study once showed that women have an almost 30 percent higher likelihood of achieving orgasm if their feet are warm as opposed to cold,” says Dylan Thrasher, relationship coach and author of How to Find and Create Lasting Love. “As unnatural as it may seem, putting on socks during sex will help you achieve a more powerful orgasm, or better yet, try a foot massage using heated massage oils to really rev things up.”
When it comes to sexual pleasure, for women, it’s much more ‘mental’ than it is for men. “People say the brain is the most important sex organ and for good reason,” Thrasher says. “It’s important to quiet those annoying thoughts that interrupt intimate times.”
An emotional connection helps as well. “Having a strong connection with your partner strengthens the quality of lovemaking and specifically, orgasms,” Thrasher says. “A woman should feel cherished, appreciated, understood, accepted, and wanted [by her partner.]”
Don’t forget those fantasies. Fantasizing about your partner or even reading an erotic novel like 50 Shades of Grey can make sex that much hotter.
Before getting down to business, consider some light ‘sensation play’ to really get your nerve endings begging for more, Katz advises. “Whether it is a gentle massage with lightly scented massage oil or a flirty spanking on the butt, playing with your senses can turn some people on more than an hour of oral sex. Consider adding a blindfold, feathers, satin, fur, candles, and more to your sexy drawer for a variety of fun ways to lavish in sensation play before really ramping up to bedroom romping,” she adds.
No, we don’t mean fake those orgasms! Instead, pretend like you know what you’re doing in the bedroom, even if you don’t, Katz advises.
“The more confidence you have, the sexier it is, and the sexier it is, the more you and your partner enjoy yourselves, and the more confidence you really will have,” she explains. “So even if you’re not sure about trying out a new move or position, or trying out an act for the first time, just remember to breath, and go at it like you’re having the best time of your life!”
It’s not all about the G-spot anymore. According to the founder of Loveology University Dr. Ava Cadell, people are missing out on intense orgasms that come from other often forgotten erogenous zones.
“Nipple stimulation alone can produce an orgasm. For women, having their breasts caressed and nipples sucked releases oxytocin, the chemical that makes them feel like they are in love. This is an area that many men enjoy stimulating during foreplay but rarely think of as having orgasmic potential.”
A little farther down, there is a place of pleasure known as the A-spot. “That stands for Anterior Fornix, also known as the Epicentre or Female Prostate,” Cadell explains. “It’s located inside the vagina on the upper wall even deeper than the G-spot. It can be stimulated with a finger, penis, or sex toy.”
And if you’re looking for that sometimes-elusive G-spot, Dr. Cadell explains it’s usually located “inside the vagina between 11 and 1 o’clock, with 12:00 on an imaginary clock pointing towards the navel.”
For optimal pleasure, combine all primal zones. “Guys, send her to another world by combining kissing, nipple play, and clitoral touches,” Cadell says.