BDSM Life Style

BDSM Basics: Am I Kinky If…?

You’re surfing the internet one day and come across a forum of people talking about their sex lives. It’s interesting to you so you stop and read a bit. Just when you thought you were like everyone else, someone mentions something that you enjoy doing during sex and the responses are, “Oh that’s kinky!” It gives you pause. You never considered yourself kinky but what if somehow, the things you do in the bedroom defined you as kinky. Should you start saying you enjoy kinky sex? Is it bad to be kinky? What is kinky anyway?

Yeah so that’s a lot of questions in an introduction but let’s be real here, they all have merit when it comes to discovering that something we enjoy might be kinky. Because for some reason we can’t really explain being kinky is different and not always in a good way – or at least our friends would have us think so.

What is kinky?

In general terms, kinky is considered anything that goes outside the normative acceptable activities of sex. It’s a mouthful to be sure. What I mean by that is in your local area and in the circle of friends you surround yourself with, kinky is anything that isn’t normal to the distinct group. Religion, geography, social status and even politics can play a role in deciding what is and isn’t kinky. Even age and the state of sexual awareness in ourselves can change what defines kinky.

So what the hell is kinky? You just told me that it is dependent on a lot of things. How do I know what it is for me? I’m glad you asked because I’m going to ask you right back. When you think of different sex acts that you are aware of, even ones you don’t take part in yourself, what would you consider kinky? For example, before I realized that kinky sex was my acceptable normal I considered any kind of bondage kinky. I considered sex with the lights on kinky. Roleplaying was kinky and so was dirty talk. These were things that as I was growing up and the people I surrounded myself with all talked about in hushed tones and some negative ones too. They weren’t acceptable. They weren’t normal.

Normal, what?

But when we think about what is normal about sex we begin to realize that there is no normal. It is socially acceptable, but what does that mean really. I don’t need someone else deciding what is the right way to have sex and what isn’t. I want to listen to myself and my body and when I get enjoyment and pleasure from something I do intimately with my partner (or partners even!) then it’s acceptable to me. For many of us as we mature and grow into adulthood we decide if we are going to follow the flow of society and let them decide what paths our lives will take or we discover a new way that makes us feel just as fulfilled and yet goes against what society may be telling us.

If it were up to our parents or our grandparents’ generation to determine what normal sex was, can you imagine? Would it be only in marriage with the lights off under the covers and only for procreation? Would it ever involve oral sex or anal sex? What about exploring other things like S&M or spanking? Do you imagine that our sex life would be different if you followed in past generation’s footsteps?

It’s common for people to continue how they were raised and what they learned growing up. It’s also common for people to be open to exploration and learning to listen to their bodies and minds when it comes to sexual pleasure. So, honestly, I’d have to say there is no normal. Really.

How Naughty!

Is it a bad thing to be kinky? Well, are your sexual desires and activities hindering your life in other ways? Are you finding that they interfere with work, or family or socializing? If not, then no; being kinky is not bad at all. Sure it may take you a bit longer to find a sexual partner that has similar kinky desires but that doesn’t make you any less of a sexual person for having desires that are considered kinky.

So you’ve discovered that you are kinky and that you like kinky things. Now what? Will you just desire more extreme fetishes and kinks as time goes on? Will you get bored with your initial kinks and move on to others that currently freak you out? Maybe. Maybe not. Think of it this way. Gender normative sex, the standard heterosexual sex has many variations to it. And people who don’t identify with being kinky can still have fun and be perfectly okay with their sexual repertoire. There’s no reason to assume that just because you like a few kinky things that you will never be satisfied with it and constantly need to up the kink factor.

After all this talk about being kinky, what do you do if you decide that you are kinky?

It depends. There’s no reason to do anything more than you already are doing. Make sure you find a partner that is willing to go along with your sexual desires. Enjoy your sex life. If you feel you want to socialize with others that are into the same kinks as you are, then you can do that too. It’s not really like a Magic: The Gathering meeting, but at least you will chat with others who accept your kink and the fact that kink can be normal.

You are normal. Accept yourself. Enjoy yourself. Keep exploring.

Author Since: Jul 26, 2018

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