10 Tips to Calm Your Nerves When Meeting a Dominant for the First Time

First date jitters are perfectly normal, but it’s a good idea to calm your nerves prior to meeting your date. Before any first date, avoid thinking about the countless “what if” scenarios and simply go without any expectations. Unfortunately, the nervous energy attached to meeting a Dominant for the first time doesn’t go away for everyone. If you know a few tips and ways to calm your nerves before the big date, you’ll feel relaxed and ready to put your best foot forward.

1. Write down your concerns. Once you see your thoughts in writing you may realize just how silly they actually are. It will also help you stop the thoughts that are bouncing around in your head causing unneeded anxiety.

2. What makes you special? Make a list of all the qualities you and others love about you. When you have a concrete list it will help you present your very best side and represent what a great person you are!

3. Get perspective. The person you are going to meet either asked you out or agreed to meet you in the first place, so you are doing something right.  If you were asked out, then they want to be with you. If they accepted your invitation, they decided to spend time with you. Keep that in mind so that you won’t be as nervous.

Also, they are likely just as nervous as you are and it might dispel some of your anxiety if you admit that to them. You don’t have to say it blatantly but, “I don’t know why but I get a bit nervous on first dates!” It might open the door to comfort or mutual agreement and you won’t sound so desperate or afraid.

4. Be prepared. Plan what you are going to wear in advance. Make sure you take a shower and take care of your hair and skin long before the date. Dress nicely and smell nice. It doesn’t matter what you wear, you can always look your best.

Also, make sure you have enough money for your date. Have some cash on hand. Don’t get in a situation where you have to worry about money.

If you are unfamiliar with the location of the date, call to inquire about things like dress code and parking. You can look up things on Yelp.com also for useful information. Have directions so you do not have to fumble with navigation in your car.

5. Distract yourself. In the time leading up to the date keep yourself busy. Do some chores, listen to music, read or go for a walk. Sitting around doing nothing will only amplify your nervousness.

6. Keep it short and sweet. Set a time frame for the date and stick to it. That way you don’t have to try and figure out how to ditch them if things are not going well (The emergency phone call from a friend is old and well known).  Only commit to going for coffee or a cocktail or perhaps lunch. This keeps your date shorter without extended time where things could drag on.

7. Have questions in mind. Having set questions in mind will calm any nervous energy you may normally experience. Avoid all cliche topics like what’s your sign. Find out about your date’s last relationship, but avoid asking specifics. To avoid appearing like an interrogator – allow your date to ask plenty of questions too.

8. Work up a sweat. Work out first. You’ll have a positive feeling from the endorphins running through your body and y9ou’ll feel more confident about your appearance. You’ll also have released some tension on your muscles.

9. Breathe deeply. It may sound overly simple or corny, but breathing slowly in and out of your nose actually calms your nervous system. Remember – it’s dating – it’s supposed to be fun so try not to take it too seriously!

10. Concentrate on the present. When you get nervous, put your concentration in the present moment, not the outcome. Every time you start to think of the future – like “will they ask me out on another date?” force yourself to focus on the conversation at hand. You’ll stand a better chance at getting a second date if you can show them what type of person you really are and not distracted by the potential future.

Just remember that people are just people – they are insecure, nervous, happy and hopeful just like you. Enjoy dating for what it is…meeting someone new.

Thoughts to Ponder

  1. Are there any ideas listed here that you didn’t know about? Would you use them if/when you meet someone for the first time?
  2. Are you more nervous about meeting a person when you know they are a Dominant than if you were just meeting anyone else for the first time? Why is that?
  3. How do you prepare for a first date?

Interesting Links

7 Things I Wish I'd Known When I Was New to BDSM

from the Submissive Guide Newsletter 6-25-16

As a slave (who used to identify as a submissive, who used to identify as a masochist bottom) I was new at one time (yes really!!). When I came into the lifestyle I was all wide eyes, excitement and healthy dose of caution just days after learning that there was a word for the kinky stuff in my head. It was a very overwhelming time because I wanted to do everything and explore this new world right away. Now wasn’t fast enough.

Thankfully I had a wake up call by the name of a kind Dominant online that told me to take it easy and learn about this from the sidelines first before I jumped headfirst into the shallow end of the pool.

I’ll never be able to thank him enough for that bit of advice. It’s advice I try to tell every submissive, no matter your age or experience level. There is always time for a bit of education and knowledge before exploration. It can keep you safe, it can make you more aware, it can keep you safe and it can be fun.

To start, this isn’t going to be an all-encompassing primer about BDSM? What does it stand for?

There are so many primers out there about BDSM it’s likely that my words will be read by someone and that they will take something new from them.

BDSM and if you don’t understand a word, you should look it up. You don’t have to know all of the vocabulary to practice BDSM dictionaries all over the web.

On top of knowing some of the words comes learning some of the expectations and experiences you can have in the BDSM. What one chooses to do within their relationship is personal and unique. Liking other people’s kinks is not required, but accepting them is looked favorably on. There are many things that I would never entertain as pleasurable or enjoyable but I can appreciate someone’s desire to do them for those reasons.

Not everyone you meet that is into BDSM public and say they are kinky. BDSM is a Lifestyle for me. I live it all the time, it’s who I am. This is not the case with over half of the known BDSMers. That’s fine with me, we can still chat kink and not get all uncomfortable because we aren’t EXACTLY alike, right?

There are many different roles you can be in BDSM is a big deal to those that have anything to do with it because it turns them on in some way; sexually, intellectually, emotionally or all of the above. BDSM into their bedrooms. With this influx of people it’s an important distinction that for many people BDSM is changing people and providing avenues of expression that people may have never known before.

Am I Normal?

Yes, very much so. One of the first questions a new submissive asks themselves is are they normal for desiring the things they do. This could be kinky sex, humiliation or service. Anything that appears to fall outside the vanilla umbrella can cause a novice to question if they are normal. This in fact, is normal.

Everyone questions themselves at one time or another. I’ve questioned myself many times. Each time I come out with a better understanding of myself and what I want in life. There is no reason to be afraid of new and different things. You may find that these things are worth your attention and could fulfill you in ways you never though possible.

For example, even if you never thought you’d explore bondage you one day had the desire to see what it was all about. There is nothing wrong with trying it out to see what feelings and sensations there were. If you find you love it, then that’s just one more thing to learn all you can about and have fun with it. If you find there isn’t really a strong pull towards it you can chalk it on the no thank you list. Either way, it’s normal and human to explore things that are different and foreign.

What about things that could be dangerous or involve risks? Does this mean you are a risky person? Not really. Everything you do has risks, even driving to the corner store could end in a deadly accident. Just because there are risks involved doesn’t mean you should shelter your desires.

So what is normal? How can it be defined in a BDSM. Your confidence is sexy and knowing your preferences, no matter how others feel about them is powerful. Consider it this way; what harm is it to you what they think about something you find to be enjoyable or the right way for you to do something? How will it affect you once they turn around and walk away?

Probably very little. Embrace who you are.

Yes, you should explore your fantasies. But recognize that not all fantasies translate easily to real life.

I’ve touched on this a bit above, but not all fantasies work well in practice and some shouldn’t ever leave the realm of your dreams. The reason this is, will probably not escape you. There are safety risks or expectations that just won’t work in real life. Say for example you have a fantasy to experience a stress position that is known to kill people or a real torture tactic like water-boarding. The safety in these situations is far above SSC, RACK or any other safety limitations that others may have. Similarly there are fantasies that violate the law or moral code, such as pedophilia or animal cruelty that really should remain a part of fantasy.

With that said, you can simulate a lot of things to experience something like your fantasy without harm and well within the realm of safety. I heard a story of someone who wanted to experience necrophilia with their partner (without actual death). To make this fantasy “real” the female partner went into a private cemetery at night and laid down over a grave for over an hour, getting chilled from the cold ground and frosty air. Then, at the agreed time, the man would explore the cemetery and discover her “dead” body and ravage her cold limp body. From the smiles on their faces it appears it was a fantastic time for both.

Be creative and innovative with your fantasies to see if you can enact something that will give you the sensation of the fantasy without doing anything you may regret later.

Yes, there are other people who share your kink. But please don’t assume that the first person you find is The One for you.

Just because a person also loves having sex while rolling in jell-o does not mean they are compatible with you.

That’s right, I just said it. You’ve searched the world over for someone interested in the same kinky things you are and when you found one, I’m telling you to hold it right there a moment and think. You remember thinking, right? That mind function you had before all common sense fled and you were suddenly in a frenzy over finding someone who shared the same kinks as you and now you just had to have it? Yeah, that.

Ok, okay, so there are two scenarios here. You want a casual fling with someone and to experience a kink or fantasy that you have only found one other person that’s into. Fine, go rock your world. There’s really no need for further compatibility if that’s all you are looking for.

But if you want a relationship with someone that enjoys a particular kink so that you can experience it again and again, as well as the dynamics a relationship can bring, read on.

Realistically, do you think you are completely compatible with someone that you know just one thing about? It’s like a lottery number, likelihood is that you’ll not win. So, before the roll in jello, unless that’s all you are interested in, talk to the person.

A relationship isn’t about one specific fantasy fulfilled, it’s about being each others dreams realized. Even if you’ve looked for someone for months or years and this is the first person who has said, yes I love that kink, if you aren’t relationship compatible then that really means nothing. The scope is larger than that.

This goes for submissives brand new to submission or BDSM, what questions do you have that are yet to be answered?

Altered Mental States

This is a guest post by Mistress Steel. It was part of her Steel’s Chamber Scrolls which is now defunct. Shared with Permission.

Venturing into the realms of Altered Mental States should be done carefully. The human mind is vulnerable to suggestion (as witnessed by the recent ‘cult’ suicides in LA). People often have an enormous desire to be ‘part’ of something greater or more important than themselves. They need to feel contributory, worthwhile, of significance. This desire or need makes them equally vulnerable to other humans who have no scruples on using their needs against them.

Within the BDSM community have become accessible to huge numbers of ‘unknown’ individuals. Within this group have been a small but growing number of predators. Not all human predators like to physically molest, rape or kill other humans…some like to ‘toy’ with other people’s minds. Many new or emergent submissives are vulnerable to the ‘lines’ or ‘lures’ offered by these predators. Exposure to the BDSM people whom you know. Predators are not welcome here!

Written by F.R.R. Mallory – also known as Mistress Steel. This article may be excerpted from Extreme Space, The Domination and Submission Handbook, Safe, Sane and Consensual, Dangerous Choices or other books by F.R.R. Mallory and shared here with her permission. Please click on the book title for information on how you can order a copy of these books and others by F.R.R. Mallory.

A Symbol for Dominants?

The collar you wear is a reminder of your submission and your relationship with your Dominant. It can mean the same as a wedding ring or that you are submissive to them for a certain period of time. More often than not, the Dominant is the one who gave you that collar. But is there something that you can give them that would work similarly? I don’t believe so.

When I think about why I value my collar, the importance I give it is one of treasure and connection. It’s a physical reminder that I am submissive to someone who I care for and trust completely. I can touch it in times of stress and know that it means he’s not going anywhere and that I can relax in his gaze. It really does mean a lot for me to be able to wear it.

But not everyone applies the same reverence to the collar they wear.

The collar is a symbol, it belongs to the Dominant but the submissive gets to wear it as a symbol of their ownership. That collar also works as a symbol of Dominance for the one who gave it, right? So in effect, the collar works as a relationship symbol and not one side or the other. Ask any Dominant what the collar means and it will mean ownership – to them.

If we dumb it down to an example of a dog and their owner, the dog may have a collar as a symbol of ownership, but the owner doesn’t need anything to remind them they own the dog. The collar does that. While we are not dogs and I’m not insinuating that a collar in a D/s sense has only the importance equal to a dog collar, it works in a similar fashion. The collar you wear is a symbol to the Dominant that they dominate you.

A Dominant doesn’t need a symbol to remind them that they are Dominant because you wear it. They see it on you and that’s all the physical reminder they could need.

But I really want to give him something tangible to have!

That’s understandable. You can find gifts that will mean something special to them if you’d like, but don’t expect that anything you give will have the same meaning as the collar you have.

Ideas for gifts to you Dominant at the time of collaring:

  • A special new tool/toy
  • A key on a chain
  • A piece of jewelry
  • An ornate depiction of your contract, if you signed one

What other ideas do you have? Let me know in the comments what your thoughts are on giving your Dominant something to symbolize the relationship.

Become a Patron: How Your Pledge Can Bring Big Change to Submissive Guide

If you’ve read Submissive Guide for any length of time you’ll know that the information is a valuable resource for you and for all submissives. The site has been actively producing content for over 6 years. For the most part, I’ve foot the bills out of a personal desire to see the site become what it has. But the time has come for it to evolve and grow. I have so many plans that are sitting on the back burner just waiting for the way I can pay for the work to be done.

What sort of things?

  • An online Learning Center which is an upgraded and expanded ecourse area where you’ll get valuable information to help you learn and grow.
  • Webinars, monthly chats about topics related to submission and a Patreon account. It’s a form of crowd-sourcing, where you can help support your favorite people and sites. I’ve been mostly relying on passive discovery of the page to gain some fans. No longer. It’s time to tell you about a way you can help Submissive Guide, for as little as $1 US a month!

    What is Patreon?

    Patreon is a way to pay your favorite creators, like Submissive Guide, for making the stuff you love.  Instead of literally throwing money at your screen (trust me, that doesn’t work), you can now pledge a few bucks per month for a creator’s efforts. This means the creator gets paid regularly (every month), and you become a bonafide, real-life patron of the arts.  That’s right.  Imagine you, in a long frilly white wig, painted on a 10-foot canvas on the wall of a Victorian mansion.  And imagine your favorite creators making a living doing what they do best… because of you.

    Why You Should Pledge

    You shouldn’t feel obligated to pledge to the site, but if Submissive Guide has been a valuable resource for you at any time in your personal journey, please consider pledging your pocket change to make huge changes possible.

     

    I really do need your help to make the future of Submissive Guide simply amazing. Help me get there. Support me on Patreon today.

    –lunaKM